Break-ups suck. And they always seem to come at the worst times. It’s like your significant other is standing around waiting for you to get fired from your job or for your grandmother to enter the hospital before he drops the break-up bomb on you. Some break-ups have that kind of impact. They leave you raw, exhausted, and unable to think about anything else for a while. And just when you think you’re steady again, something small can send you right back into it.

But then I was thinking about something that’s even worse than the break-up. Is there someone in your romantic past who broke your heart and has sauntered back into your life, without your beckoning? Did you put him off, weary of his intentions, or take a chance and leap into the great unknown all over again? It’s a difficult thing, because you did love him once, and that hope can be hard to shake. You remember the good parts first, even when the bad parts were what ended it.

My inbox gets crammed with emails from well-intentioned romantic experts who claim they can help you get your ex back. This kind of thing makes me cringe for many reasons. First, it plays on people’s hopes. For the most part, there’s a reason why you broke up, and if you’re waiting for the other person to change, then you’ll be waiting a very long time. Usually a break-up is an opportunity to move on to something healthier. It can hurt to accept that

If you’re toying with the idea of going back to your ex, you aren’t alone. Many of us have that secret hope that somehow this time it will be different. But often we end up disappointed and angry with ourselves for giving in, for thinking it could work. So don’t rewrite history and make yourself believe things were rosier than they were. Take things slowly, observe, build trust, and if he isn’t what you want, don’t make excuses for him. Sometimes moving on is the kindest thing you can do